adrenaline

October 18, 2026

I did not go back to work on the 13th as planned. Instead I ended up going to see my doctor to get a note for being absent. When I arrived at the clinic I had been awake for over 30 hours straight. One minute I was stressed about returning to work, then something happened, and it tipped over the edge into a full on panic attack. It was quite problematic.

I had started with prepping lunches, getting the work clothes ready, and all that shit. I was physically ready, and sort of mentally getting mind to accept that time off was pretty much over. Then not long before bedtime I was sitting on the couch, and I decided to go into the vacation booking app on my phone... looking at that app is something I wish I could somehow undo.

The reason I did it was to see how many vacation hours I had remaining to use up this year, and also to mark the days I had just taken as done. Basically clearing the message inbox. When I logged in, and went to mark the vacation days as done I noticed that Thursday the 1st, and Friday the 2nd were still showing approved, but the following week, 5th to the 9th, was showing canceled.

The days that were approved still had the time and date from when I submitted the requests last December. On the days that were canceled; the time and date had changed from December to 11:46pm on October 4th. Fourteen minutes before those days of vacation were set to begin. In my mind the only way those days could have ended up showing canceled status would be if my boss canceled them. I took it personally. I could not let it go. It quickly and unexpectedly escalated. Boiled over.

I could hear and feel my heart beating. Mind racing. Guts in knots. Tried to calm myself down with deep breathing. Tried to lay down to sleep. No fucking way. Nothing would calm me. I wished I had booze, or that society would collapse, or that earth would get hit by an asteroid before morning. I started to have a cramp-like pain that spread across my chest right from shoulder to shoulder. Even though I knew it was not a heart attack, I thought about going to the ER. I pictured running around in the hospital like a madman with lazy security guards chasing me, rummaging through drawers and shelves to find syringes and needles, and then grabbing random injection bottles from those little bar fridges. Start stabbing and injecting shot after shot into my thighs until I felt better, or nothing at all. Instead of that I started typing an email to HR.

Having something to focus on helped somewhat, but honestly not much at all. It was better than laying in bed staring at the bedroom ceiling wishing a meteor would fly through it. I was a wild shaking lunatic mess all night. I did not stick to the facts. It wasn't a very long email, but it was an adrenaline cortisol fueled micro story full of anxiety, screen shots, and accusations. I sent it early in the morning... that is a second thing I wish that I could undo. I received an email response while I was on my way to see the doctor.

I did not get a straight answer to how those days were showing on the app as canceled. It appeared to me that my boss was trying to fuck me over. It looked like he had canceled those five days of my vacation, and that he did it four days after my vacation had already started, and at fourteen minutes before it would have been too late for him to cancel them. That is how it looked. I could not un-see it.

I freaked out about it to HR via that email, and then maybe they fixed what he had done, and then lied to me about how it happened. Not exactly lied. Just offered no explanation. Sort of the same thing as lying? I really don't know anything for certain.

Psychotic delusion?

Or my boss is a fucking dick?

Dunno.

Why would I trust him when he's been nothing but awful to me?

Doctor asked me what I wanted to do. I said maybe more days off would be good. She asked, is a week good? Sure, I said. What I thought she meant was the rest of the week, then back next Monday. She also suggested medication. I said I would think about it. After I left the clinic with the note I noticed it said 13th to 21st. Return next Thursday, not Monday. Fine with me.

Then I responded to HR's email, saying how long I would be off. Attached a scan of the note to the email. It was more than five work days off, so I had to talk to an insurance person about short term disability. Yay

A couple days later I had to go back to the doctor with some forms that needed to be filled and faxed. By then not being at work, and knowing I was going to be off for a few days had calmed me somewhat. Not great, but better. (Kind of where I'm at right now as I type this shit). Had some time between doctor visits to think about all that had unfolded.

More self loathing than usual. Weak. Stupid. Full of regret. Over-reactive. Wished that I had not opened the app that night. And fuck that stupid email I sent. Hindsight I guess can be 20/20, and a fucker.

On my second doctor visit I decided to ask about medication options. I was prescribed a low dose of extended release Venlafaxine, a selective serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor. They are small pink and purple capsules that sound full of tiny hard pellets that rattle. I'm on day 3 of taking it. So far it makes me drowsy, but oddly at the same time I can't sleep right. Feel weird. Mildly dizzy. A little nauseous. Kind of dry eyes mouth and throat.

I like to read all I can about medication when it is prescribed to me. I look up DIN numbers for an info overload that I mostly skim over. Then I look elsewhere for a condensed version of the info. They say in a few days these gross feeling things will pass, and that I should start to feel something (better?) in the first couple of weeks. Then in four to six weeks I will know what the full effects will be. Read a bunch of patient reviews. They were like all drug reviews. Either it works really well, 8 to 10 stars, or it is a nightmare worth a one or two. More high ratings than low anyway. The drug has been around for a long time. The low rating stories are awful to read. I have no idea how I might respond to it. Going back to doctor in a month to reassess the dosage.

Dreading Thursday already and it is only Saturday.