malfunction

October 25, 2026

This is my last day off. Casting a ballot for the mayoral election on my way home tomorrow. Get home, eat, shower, and then going to see a therapist for the first time in my life. It is all rather stressful and exhausting to think about right now.

I'm about four decades late for therapy. I'm not going into it with an attitude like that though. Not really. Just thinking that I likely could have benefited from it at any point in my life over the last forty years. Same as these pills that I have been taking for just over a week. They say it can take up to four weeks to feel what they are going to do. I'm impatient. Kind of annoyed. Not expecting any kind of miracle.

What attitude am I going into this with? And what am I expecting, if not a miracle? No attitude at all, and zero expectations? I don't know. If I knew what therapy was going to help me with I wouldn't have to go to it. Why am I taking these pills? To help me cope. For change. Altering my brain chemistry with pills, and seeking assistance with my thought processes. All to help me deal with life. Life is shit, and I'm in it up to my neck.

If I were to put my bad attitude into words I would say that I need to go for therapy and take pills so I can tolerate the job that is making me need to go for therapy and take pills. Stop. Rewind. The job gives me benefits to pay for the therapy and pills. Their way of maintaining this malfunctioning machine that I am to them. If it can't be fixed they will just throw me in the garbage and get a new one. That is a terrible attitude to have.

This is supposed to be self care. A thing that has nothing, or very little, to do with my stupid fucking job.